Your Family Sucks

Your Family Sucks — Ch 5.0

Fresh off the slaughter at the Orchard and still wiping the blood off their hands, the Impire barely make it back onto the road before an actual angel drops out of the sky — holding a list with their name on it. But the angel isn’t the danger. The danger is who he turns out to be, and the oldest fight there is, thrown clear across time itself. Some reunions you don’t walk away from. Your family sucks.

Chapter / Episode	5.0 — Your Family Sucks
Arc	Echoes of ITYS
GM	Dave (Brin hands off the screen mid-session; Dave’s Xeros becomes an NPC)
Date / Duration	2026-06-10 · ~1h41m (the Chapter 5 half of the 260610 recording)
Party	Basil (Brin — back in play), Nortle (Steve), TBD (Chris), [[foulclaw
Antagonist	[[justus
Ends on	Xeros dead, the party flung to four corners of the world

Synopsis

Chapter 5 opens on a literal changing of the guard: Brin hands the DM screen to Dave, which means Dave’s beloved Tiefling bard Xeros slides into NPC hands and Basil — sidelined the whole of Ch4 — climbs back into the driver’s seat. The seam shows immediately, the new DM keeps sliding into his old character’s voice (“I gotta stay in actual DM mode”), and the party leaves The Forbidden Fruits Orchard for Castle Leary still shaken from the massacre they just committed. They don’t get far. A solar — the highest of all angels — crashes down in the road, unrolls a scroll, and finds them twelfth on his list under the only name they ever gave themselves at the Battle of the Bands: the Impire (the angel reads it the Empire). He praises their good deeds, then delicately raises the “recent… bad” ones, and the party cheerfully rationalizes fresh war crimes (“they didn’t have social security cards”).

Then Xeros walks up and tells the angel to go do something anatomically unlikely — and the angel’s face changes. This is Justus (a.k.a. Eustace, “just us”), Xeros’s older brother, hammer already rising over his head: “You were supposed to be home years ago.” Space splits into tears and time dilates. Justus casts Crimson Teleport (Chronurgy Drift / Stasis) — red chronomancy that rips each creature backward toward a pressurized rift (18d6 psychic on exit, healing the caster 60) — and the session becomes a frantic, funny fight against bookkeeping itself: a nanosecond countdown, a marching-order of desperate held actions, and the party’s entire inventory tearing loose item by item and flying into the holes. Basil is the only one to make her save, ramming her katana into the earth to anchor; she punches up a Wall of Force sphere (“you’re in a gerbil ball”) to shield three of them, then Nortle cracks the “uncrackable” with a Bruce Lee three-inch punch, and their own gold spills through the fracture to shatter it from inside. Xeros, oddly, isn’t being pulled anywhere — the anchor of a story about to end.

With the killing lightning bolt inbound and everyone shrinking, stripped, and losing even their hands to the rift, TBD plays the hero: on a held action he jams both blades into the ground and channels Witch Bolt up into the descending hammer, grounding a concussive blast that eats the area-attack that would have killed the whole party (the DM hands him inspiration on the spot). But grounding the bolt doesn’t stop the hammer. Justus’s warhammer comes down with no save and triple Xeros’s HP behind it, and Xeros is crushed dead as a doornail — the frontman, the schemer, Dave’s own PC, gone. Foulclaw’s big owl eyes well up; TBD screams Xeros’s name into the closing portal. And then the four survivors are hurled through their own rifts and scattered across Kouréas — Basil under drifting cherry blossoms, Foulclaw at a stone statue of his parents, Nortle at the gate of his master’s Rex’s Dojo, TBD facedown in the snow of home. “We’ll find out how this all resolves — where our heroes have ended up.”

🎵 Song Recap (rhyming — drop into an AI song generator)

Scheme: AABB verses + chorus. Suggested vibe: mournful gospel-rock, church organ under a distorted guitar, builds to a hymn.

(Verse 1) Blood on our hands as we walk from the trees, A brand-new hand on the screen calls the keys; Then an angel comes down with a list and a name — The Impire, he reads, from the Battle of the Bands’ game.

(Chorus) Oh, your family sucks, and the clock’s coming loose, A hammer overhead and a crimson-red noose; Hold on, hold your breath, hold whatever you love — ‘Cause the angel in the road is your blood from above.

(Verse 2) “You were supposed to be home,” and the sky starts to tear, Katana in the dirt, and a ball made of air; Every pocket runs empty, every coin takes to wing, While a nat-twenty bunny holds onto everything.

(Verse 3) A three-inch punch cracks the uncrackable shell, Read the spell off the shelf and it’s eighteen-dice hell; “Just like when we were kids,” in his mind, soft and true — A brother with a hammer and nothing left to do.

(Outro) The bolt hits the ground, and the boy grounds the storm, But the hammer finds Xeros where his family was born — Four portals, four homes, and a name in the dark… Your family sucks. And it left its mark.

📋 Point-by-point breakdown (player catch-up — everything that happened)

1. 00:00:00 · 📖 Transition — Brin hands the DM screen to Dave; Chapter 5 opens (“Welcome to Chapter 5, you sons of bitches”). Xeros becomes a DM-run NPC and Basil returns to play after sitting out Ch4.
2. 00:01:32 · 🎭 RP — The party leaves The Forbidden Fruits Orchard for Castle Leary, sorting the marching order and processing the massacre; Foulclaw stays fixated on the hand that touched the blood.
3. 00:03:38 · 🎭 RP — The new DM keeps slipping into Xeros’s voice; Nortle calls it out, and Dave promises to “stay in actual DM mode.”
4. 00:04:14 · ⚔️ Encounter — A solar (highest of all angels) crashes down in the road, cracking the ground, and unrolls a scroll of heroes.
5. 00:05:11 · 🎭 RP — The angel finds them twelfth on his list as the Impire (“the Empire”) — the name they used at the Battle of the Bands, the only name they ever gave the group.
6. 00:07:06 · 🎭 RP — He praises their good deeds, then their “recent… bad” ones; the party rebrands mass murder as a technicality (“they didn’t have social security cards”).
7. 00:07:36 · 🎭 RP — Xeros tells the angel to go do the unspeakable — and the angel’s whole demeanor turns.
8. 00:08:13 · 🎲 Reveal — The solar is Justus, Xeros’s older brother, hammer already rising: “You were supposed to be home years ago.” Slits cut into space and time dilates; a D100 nanosecond countdown begins.
9. 00:10:20 · 🎲 Mechanic — Everyone rolls Dexterity saves against the rip; only the just-returned Basil succeeds, ramming her katana into the ground to anchor.
10. 00:11:01 · 🎭 RP — The table spells out Justus’s name and lands the running gag: Eustace / “just us” / “useless.”
11. 00:12:xx · 🎲 Mechanic — The inventory-stripping chase begins: each rip pulls items loose one at a time — gold, rope, torches, a crystal ball, Xeros’s span-quill memory — flung into the tears.
12. 00:21:34 · 🎲 Combat — Nortle unfurls Step of the Wind draconic wings to fight the pull; Foulclaw drifts toward Basil so the two can counter each other.
13. 00:34:35 · 🎭 RP — TBD’s water whistle detaches and flies off singing a little “do, do, do”; his near-empty pack keeps saving him — “TBD travels light.”
14. 00:44:01 · 🎲 Mechanic — Basil punches the ground with her Knuckles of Change and raises a Wall of Force sphere (“you’re in a gerbil ball”) around three of them.
15. 00:55:18 · 🎲 Combat — Nortle cracks the “uncrackable” sphere with a Bruce Lee three-inch punch; the fracture will prove fatal to the shield.
16. 00:57:46 · 📖 Lore — Foulclaw identifies the spell on an Arcana 21: Crimson Teleport (Chronurgy Drift / Stasis, red chronomancy) — 18d6 psychic on passing through, and the caster heals 60 by siphoning your life.
17. 01:00:42 · 🎭 RP — TBD casts Detect Thoughts on Xeros expecting profanity; instead reads a brother bracing for pain, thinking “just like when we were kids.”
18. 01:24:10 · 🎲 Mechanic — The stripping turns brutal: Basil’s Knuckles of Change, gems, and even her hands tear loose into the rift; the shared gold shatters the Wall of Force from inside.
19. 01:30:08 · 🎲 Combat — On a held action, tiny TBD stakes both blades into the ground and channels Witch Bolt up at the hammer to ground the lightning; the DM awards inspiration.
20. 01:35:08 · ⚔️ Combat — TBD’s concussive blast intercepts the bolt, absorbing the area-attack that would have killed the entire party.
21. 01:37:04 · ⚔️ Climax — The hammer lands with no save, triple Xeros’s HP; Xeros is crushed dead. Foulclaw weeps; TBD screams his name into the portal.
22. 01:38:56 · 🧭 Scatter — The four survivors are flung through their rifts to places from their pasts: Basil to cherry blossoms, Foulclaw to a statue of his parents, Nortle to Rex’s Dojo, TBD to the snow of home.
23. 01:40:35 · ⏸️ Pause — The DM cuts it there: “We’ll find out how this all resolves — where our heroes have ended up.”

Player Characters

Character	Player	Race	Class	Note
Basil	Brin	Harengon	Fighter	Back in play after sitting out Ch4; the only one to make her save, anchors on her katana and raises the gerbil-ball Wall of Force — then loses her gauntlets and her hands to the rift
Nortle	Steve	Tortle	Monk	Tucks into his aerodynamic shell, unfurls draconic wings, and cracks the “uncrackable” sphere with a Bruce Lee three-inch punch
TBD	Chris	Goliath	Wizard	”Travels light,” so the rip barely touches him; grounds the killing bolt with a Witch Bolt gambit that saves the whole party, then screams for Xeros
Foulclaw	Jesse	Owlin	Sorcerer	IDs the killing spell; tries to charm “Zen” into the void on a nat-20 (save was 36); big owl eyes welling as Xeros dies

NPCs

NPC	Role	Note
Xeros	Former PC, now DM-run	Dave’s Tiefling bard; insults the solar, is revealed as its little brother, and is crushed dead under the hammer — his gold tattoos siphoned into ink and lost to the rift
Justus	Solar; Xeros’s older brother	Crashes down hunting the Impire; when disrespected, casts Chronurgy Drift / Stasis and kills Xeros with a warhammer. Heard as Eustace / “just us”

Factions

Faction	Note
The Impire	The party’s own group name (the solar reads it “the Empire”), coined at the Battle of the Bands — the only name they ever gave themselves, and the one the solar hunts them by
Mergon	The Mergonian army the party slaughtered at the Orchard the same night ([[260610-ch4.8-mergon-massacre
Killasaurus	TBD’s band; his guitar/blade is the instrument he stakes into the ground to ground the bolt

👹 Monsters

Creature	Encounter	Note
Justus (Solar)	The whole session	A solar, highest of all angels — but the fight isn’t melee, it’s survival against his **[[chronurgy-drift-stasis

🎙️ Notable Moments

00:03:38 — Chapter 5 opens with Brin handing Dave the DM screen — and Dave can't stop being his old character.

DM (Dave): Welcome to Chapter 5, you sons of bitches. Nortle: You slipped into Xeros’s voice there. DM (Dave): I gotta stop that. I gotta stay in, like, actual DM mode. It’s really hard — I’ve been slipping in and out.

00:05:11 — A solar drops out of the sky, unrolls a scroll of heroes, and reads the party's name off his list.

DM (Justus): The Empire — the group that’s been all over Kouréas helping people. TBD: Is that what we called ourselves? DM (Justus): That’s the only name we’ve ever named this group. So that’s what you’re stuck with. Nortle: The only name we’ve ever named is Nortles.

00:07:06 — The angel praises their good deeds, then gently raises the "recent... bad" ones — and the party rationalizes a fresh massacre.

DM (Justus): You’ve done a lot of good deeds, and — especially according to recent things — some bad. Nortle: War crimes. DM (Justus): Mass murder. That just got written. Basil: I mean, they didn’t have social security cards. Foulclaw: They’re not people.

00:07:36 — Xeros decides an angel of the highest order needs a piece of his mind. This is the episode's whole thesis.

DM (Xeros): You can go do yourself, you piece of shit. DM (Justus): (the solar looks down at him) …Xeros. You were supposed to be home years ago. DM (Dave): Slits start cutting into the space around you, and time completely dilates.

00:10:20 — Rolling for the first time since February, Basil is the only one who doesn't get ripped backward through time.

Basil (Brin): I don’t even know how long it’s been since I looked at Basil’s character sheet — I don’t even know who I am anymore. Nortle: February 27th. I looked it up. DM (Dave): You’re the only one who succeeds the Dexterity save. You’ve stuck your sword into the ground — everyone else is getting sucked back.

00:11:01 — Trying to spell the angel's name, the table finds the joke the whole night is named after.

DM (Dave): His name is Eustace. J-U-S-T-U-S. TBD: How did you get Eustace out of “just us”? DM (Dave): You can say it however you want. Basil: Useless.

00:55:18 — Sealed in Basil's Wall-of-Force sphere with the rift still tugging, Nortle tries the one move he knows.

Nortle: You know how Bruce Lee has that three-inch punch? I want to do that against the wall of force, to push us. DM (Dave): As you hit it, it reverberates — and the wall of force starts to crack. Foulclaw: Basil, did you see that? That’s amazing! DM (Justus): You’ve cracked the uncrackable… and I’m about to crack your skull.

00:57:46 — Foulclaw finally identifies the spell tearing them apart, and the DM reads exactly how bad it is.

Foulclaw: (Arcana 21) I know exactly what this spell is. DM (Dave): …Oh, I read it wrong. That’s Crimson Teleport. It’s way worse — 18d6 psychic to anyone who passes through, and the caster heals 60, siphoning off your life. Basil: So what you’re saying is Xeros’s brother is a douchebag.

01:00:42 — With the hammer inches from Xeros's skull, TBD reads his mind, bracing for a stream of curses.

TBD: It’s just going to be a bunch of profanity, right? DM (Dave): It’s actually not. He’s not overly terrified. He’s bracing for a lot of pain — but in his mind he’s saying: just like when we were kids. DM (Xeros): (thinking) Playing with some chronomancy on the playground.

01:30:08 — Tiny, stripped, and nearly out of options, TBD takes the one shot that matters.

TBD: I cast Witch Bolt through both blades — an arc of lightning at the hammer — to ground it, then I let go and let it take me as far away as I can. DM (Dave): Dude, that is sick. You get inspiration for that. Holy shit — that’s awesome. DM (Dave): (moments later) The concussion did it. The spell that would have hit would have killed all of you. You took the spell away.

01:37:04 — TBD saved the party from the blast — but not his bandmate from his brother.

DM (Dave): The hammer comes down. Xeros is completely crushed underneath it. No saving throws, no anything — the hit is triple his actual HP. TBD: Xeros? DM (Dave): He is dead as a doornail. Dead. TBD: (diving through the portal) Xeros!!

🗺️ Locations

Location	Mentioned / Traveled	Note
The Forbidden Fruits Orchard	Traveled (leaving)	Zen’s orchard, site of the massacre; the party is walking out of it when the solar arrives
Castle Leary	Intended destination	Where the party was headed — they never make it
Rex’s Dojo	Traveled (landed)	Nortle’s rift spits him out at the gate of his master’s dojo

The other three landing spots close the episode but aren’t yet named locations: drifting cherry blossoms above Basil, a stone statue of Foulclaw’s parents, and the snow of TBD’s Goliath homeland (“Home again”).

🎒 Items

Item	Used / Fate	Note
Chronurgy Drift / Stasis	Cast (by Justus)	Spoken as “Crimson Teleport” — red-chronomancy dimension-rip: 18d6 psychic on exit, heals the caster 60. The engine of the entire fight
Knuckles of Change	Used, then lost	Basil punches up the Wall of Force sphere with them — then they’re ripped off her hands into the void
Boots of Leaping	Survived	Basil’s boots — one of the few things she doesn’t lose
Book of Chronomancy	Lost	Torn out of TBD’s pack into the rift
Lying Lyre	Lost	Xeros’s cursed instrument, flung out and gladly abandoned (“let that thing fly into the deep dark depths”)
Xeros’s gold tattoos	Lost	Siphoned out of his back into gold ink and thrown through a portal as he dies

⛩️ Pantheon & Religion

Power	Mentioned / Seen	Note
Solar (celestial)	Seen	Justus is a solar — the highest order of angel; the party is judged, then destroyed, by a being of the heavens
Father ITYS	Mentioned	Foulclaw’s first cry when the angel descends: “What happened to Father ITYS!”
Selûne	Mentioned	Basil’s holy relic (a Tier of Selûne / Amulet of the Devout) is among the gear torn away
Zen au Kouréas	Mentioned	Foulclaw, grasping, tries to charm “Zen” through the cracks into the universe — a nat-20 against a save of 36; it isn’t Zen behind this

Cliffhanger

The Impire is broken. Xeros — the frontman, the schemer, the heart of the con — lies crushed dead under his own brother’s hammer, his tattoos scattered as gold dust through a closing rift. The four survivors are hurled across Kouréas to places out of their pasts: Basil beneath cherry blossoms, Foulclaw before a statue of his parents, Nortle at the gate of Rex’s Dojo, TBD facedown in the snow of home — all shrunk, stripped bare, and alone. “We’ll find out how this all resolves… where our heroes have ended up.”

Transcript

Full cleaned transcript: 260610-ch5.0-your-family-sucks-transcript · this is the second half of the 260610-ch4.8 bundle on the tedit scratch SSD (Chapter 5 begins at session-absolute 21:18:18).

Related

Echoes of ITYS · 260610-ch4.8-mergon-massacre · Xeros · Justus · The Impire · Battle of the Bands · Chronurgy Drift / Stasis · The Forbidden Fruits Orchard · Rex’s Dojo